Caught In Suspension

Have you ever felt like your falling, but not really going anywhere at all?

It seems like the past few weeks have been like that. Not that anything is going wrong, or that I have a terrible life, or anything even remotely depressing like that. I'm actually quite content with my life. Not only am I happy right now, but I have a lot of things to look forward to: going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, going to India next summer, some of my best friends get home from their missions in February, March, and June, two of my best friends are awaiting their mission calls, and I get to sleep in tomorrow. The future has the potential to be amazing. It's up to me to look at it that way. Life is good.

But still... I've just felt a bit unsettled of late, like I'm falling, but still managing to stay in the air. I'm not sure how exactly that works. I really do feel like I'm "caught in suspension" (Oh how I love the lyrical genius of Mae). Something is holding me, keeping me from crashing, but I'm not sure exactly what that something is. Maybe I'm feeling all of this because I don't really know where I'm headed. A lot of my friends have these amazing "Five Year Plans" or know exactly what they want to do for a career. I don't. I have goals, and I have dreams, and I have a lot of ideas, but I'm kind of taking things one step at a time right now. And I think I'm okay with that.

I can deal with this unsurity (which is not a word, but it should be) because I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I believe that even our Savior, Jesus Christ felt unsure at times. We've been studying the differences in the word choice between the Gospels in my New Testament class and I found one example particularly intriguing. In Luke's account of Christ's baptism, the wording is slightly different than in the other Gospels. Rather than the voice of God speaking to the multitude saying, "This is my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17) the Father says, "Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased" (Luke 3:22). This slight difference in wording totally changed my perspective on the story. In Luke's account, it sounds like before this moment, Jesus may not have known that He was the literal Son of God. We know Jesus was a very spiritual child, but this could have been the first time that He truly realized what His mission on this earth would be.

Talk about unsurity.

How jarring would it be to go from living your life as a carpenter in the quiet village of Nazareth to being the Savior of the World? To go from living the Jewish Law to having a power that goes above and beyond that law? To learn that your life would end in agony on a cross in order to save the world, even those who crucified you?

He had a choice. This life is all about choices. He chose to give up His life for the sake of us all.

My unsurity doesn't seem like such a big thing anymore. I can deal with it. I can learn from my mistakes and try something different. And if nothing else, I have a loving brother who has suffered all things so He can better understand my trials. He cares about my problems, no matter how small, and He loves me no matter what.

And I am totally sure about that.